Thought: pride

I’m not reposting all of #Ellen’s recent coming out celebration episode videos just for the hell of it or cuz she’s inspirational, though that’s part of it. 

Straight people will never really understand what it’s like to come out. So it’s easy to judge and say shit like “well no one needs to know” but we need you to know. We need those words to come out of our mouths. We need to feel normal. 

The first person I told that I’m bisexual to was my older sister. It happened so fast. I was on MySpace on a group I created to help LGBT youths come out and express their frustrations and as I encouraged them to come out I realized I hadn’t. So I looked up, saw Dill, and said “I’m bi.” And she said “ok that’s fine.” 

Those words coming out of her mouth, was the base to my courage to come out to others. And from that moment I told any one and everyone in any situation till this day without a single care as to what others might say or who I could lose. I don’t flaunt it but I don’t usually flaunt any part of my personality anyway. I keep shit personal but I do talk about it. I do talk about women or check them out with my friends in public. 

I’m bisexual. And no, you don’t have to like it but you do have to accept it, if you plan on staying in my life. If not, feel free to click the “unfriend” button.

#blog #writing #journey #happiness #friendship #pride #content #courage #normal #finally #peace

Thought: productivity 

Tomorrow will be the first day of the #productivitychallenge 

What is that exactly? Well I’m glad you asked!

I’ll be waking up at 4am every morning before getting ready for work (timing will differ on weekends). Then an hour after work I’ll continue to write my novel and/or work on potential pieces of fiction I’ve been planning over the months.  

That way I’ll have time to relax at the end of the day instead of cramming everything in after work. 

I’m gona hate myself tomorrow but I’m gona do it! Starting with 30 days. 

Expect updates. 

#blog #writing #journey #happiness #yoga #namaste #life #connected #novel

Positive note

I absolutely love life. 

I love where I’m at. I love that I’ve graduated recently with a bachelor’s degree. I love that I’m working, even though I don’t like my job. I love who I’m with in life. I love that feeling. 

Where my heart races, my finger tips and toes get numb, the skin on my arms radiate a cool energy that mixes in with the energy around me. It tingles. 

I love walking. I love the ocean, and everything in it. Fish terrify me though. Mud is my jam. I drench myself in it. The little creatures that live in the mud, I could live without. 

I’m exploring. I’m learning. I’m connecting. I’m happy. 

Thought: life

Negativity is every where. In the air around me. Constantly choking me. I breathe it in and it consumes me. 

Stuck here? Not for long. One way or another I will leave this hellish place. I’d just prefer sooner than later. 

It bothers me that no matter how much effort I put it, no matter how hard I try, something knocks me flat on my ass again. Like a constant reminder that this life isn’t mine. I don’t control it. I don’t get to decide what’s done with it. 

I’m just a vessel. 

Cold. But not hollow. I’m bursting with life and possibility. Dreams. I want to be a writer so bad, I’m determined to finish my novel. Crushed that a creative writing program rejected me. They didn’t even give me a chance let alone an explanation. 

Life. Shit happens. Goals. I’ll accomplish them. 

Or die trying. 

Thought: feelings/rage

I’ve been avoiding my blog and writing for almost a month now. I thought that it was because my new job had over worked me, exhausted me, drained me, killed me. Whatever. It didn’t matter the reason, it didn’t matter if there wasn’t even a reason. Nothing mattered, and that was the problem. It’s still a problem. 

I have good moments, more often than bad but lately it feels like it’s just good wrapped in all the bad. Like the good tries to rip itself free but the bad layer engulfing it is too thick. Trapping me, holding me, controlling me. 

I’ve lost my temper over and over and over again. Anger has always been a part of my life. Rage. Hate. Explosive tendencies. I’ve bottled down the worst parts of it, of myself, for over a decade but it still seeps through my pores and burns like acid on anyone who dares come near me. 

Monstrous? Tragic? Pathetic? Human? Definitely. 

I can’t handle feelings like normal people because the second I do my chest fills with this rage…and this rage isn’t normal, it’s dangerous. When I feel that way I know I could kill someone, I know I could hurt them in ways that they’d never expect. I can hurt people I barely know with just my words if I wanted to. For 13 years this rage took control over me and I did horrible things to so many people. I blackened my heart without knowing what I was really doing, I was too young to know. Being older and wiser doesn’t help with this rage, it just adds on the guilt. 

It doesn’t matter what triggers it; jealousy, pain, anxiety or paranoia. It’s everything and anything, and nothing. It’s always there. It doesn’t need an excuse to come out and make itself known. It doesn’t need to prove it’s dominance. It’s always in control. 

Insecurities and distance don’t help. This nagging feeling that the words that spit out of my mouth even when I’m calm don’t matter, so why should the abusive ones matter? Why is it that those words and that tone are the ones that pass through that filter between your ear drums and the part of your brain that registers what I’m saying, when my pathetic attempts at having a calm and open discussion doesn’t seem to?

I could ask questions over and over again until I die from exhaustion, but I’d never really get any answers because there aren’t any. Excuses, excuses and more excuses. People practically spit their bullshit directly into my mouth until I’m making those very same excuses for them. Sickening. Brainwashing. Conforming. Accepting. Words that go through my head but nothing ever sticks because of feelings I have. The care that I have for these people overwhelms me and takes over. 

I ignore the bullshit. My rage doesn’t. 

What doesn’t help is how much I hate living here. I hate this country, the people, the weather, everything. The only thing I like is the food. The food is amazing. 

My rage protects me.

I’m 26 years old and still have restrictions put on me by others. I have to plead and negotiate the right I have to move and continue on with my life the way I want to live it. Rediculous. I wasn’t raised to be a scared little lamb who needs a man to take care of her, yet that’s exactly what I’m told I need in order to move on to the next phase of my life. Rediculous. Infuriating. 

I could rip my skin off with my nails. 

Instead, I write. 

#blog #writing #journey #rage #freedom #trapped #escape #feelings #help

Animal rescue 

http://gotapnow.com/rafkw 

This is the link to donate to this amazing woman who saves animals in Kuwait and helps find them homes. 

Please donate as soon as you can!! There’s a puppy that has pavo and was thrown away by the friday market and needs treatment and it costs 30kd a day to treat her. 

Also visit their page on instagram to help find these cute pets a safe home:

https://www.instagram.com/raf.kw/

#blog #writing #journey #pets #donate #help #raf #kuwait #animals #fridaymarket

2nd week of the yoga challenge down

I’ve really improved since I started! I’ve gotten more flexible and stronger. I’m slowly but surely reaching my goal, and I’ve never been happier with a workout before. I love yoga! And I love this yoga center. 
It’s been really hard getting back into shape and really reviving my almost non-existent muscles but I always feel so good afterwards.

#blog #writing #journey #happiness #yoga #challenge #hellsyeah #namaste

Thought: one week off of anxiety pills

One week off of anxiety pills, and I feel great! 

I went through various emotions ranging between depression (mixed with suicidal thoughts and tears) to full blown rage. Thank God that’s over!

I feel like yoga has replaced this form of treatment for my anxiety and I’m really glad I started the 30 day yoga challenge. This has been a really good time for me to make this change and connect with my mind and body again. 

#blog #writing #journey #happiness #anxiety #pills #depression #rage #grateful #oneweek