Thought: feelings/rage

I’ve been avoiding my blog and writing for almost a month now. I thought that it was because my new job had over worked me, exhausted me, drained me, killed me. Whatever. It didn’t matter the reason, it didn’t matter if there wasn’t even a reason. Nothing mattered, and that was the problem. It’s still a problem. 

I have good moments, more often than bad but lately it feels like it’s just good wrapped in all the bad. Like the good tries to rip itself free but the bad layer engulfing it is too thick. Trapping me, holding me, controlling me. 

I’ve lost my temper over and over and over again. Anger has always been a part of my life. Rage. Hate. Explosive tendencies. I’ve bottled down the worst parts of it, of myself, for over a decade but it still seeps through my pores and burns like acid on anyone who dares come near me. 

Monstrous? Tragic? Pathetic? Human? Definitely. 

I can’t handle feelings like normal people because the second I do my chest fills with this rage…and this rage isn’t normal, it’s dangerous. When I feel that way I know I could kill someone, I know I could hurt them in ways that they’d never expect. I can hurt people I barely know with just my words if I wanted to. For 13 years this rage took control over me and I did horrible things to so many people. I blackened my heart without knowing what I was really doing, I was too young to know. Being older and wiser doesn’t help with this rage, it just adds on the guilt. 

It doesn’t matter what triggers it; jealousy, pain, anxiety or paranoia. It’s everything and anything, and nothing. It’s always there. It doesn’t need an excuse to come out and make itself known. It doesn’t need to prove it’s dominance. It’s always in control. 

Insecurities and distance don’t help. This nagging feeling that the words that spit out of my mouth even when I’m calm don’t matter, so why should the abusive ones matter? Why is it that those words and that tone are the ones that pass through that filter between your ear drums and the part of your brain that registers what I’m saying, when my pathetic attempts at having a calm and open discussion doesn’t seem to?

I could ask questions over and over again until I die from exhaustion, but I’d never really get any answers because there aren’t any. Excuses, excuses and more excuses. People practically spit their bullshit directly into my mouth until I’m making those very same excuses for them. Sickening. Brainwashing. Conforming. Accepting. Words that go through my head but nothing ever sticks because of feelings I have. The care that I have for these people overwhelms me and takes over. 

I ignore the bullshit. My rage doesn’t. 

What doesn’t help is how much I hate living here. I hate this country, the people, the weather, everything. The only thing I like is the food. The food is amazing. 

My rage protects me.

I’m 26 years old and still have restrictions put on me by others. I have to plead and negotiate the right I have to move and continue on with my life the way I want to live it. Rediculous. I wasn’t raised to be a scared little lamb who needs a man to take care of her, yet that’s exactly what I’m told I need in order to move on to the next phase of my life. Rediculous. Infuriating. 

I could rip my skin off with my nails. 

Instead, I write. 

#blog #writing #journey #rage #freedom #trapped #escape #feelings #help

Animal rescue 

http://gotapnow.com/rafkw 

This is the link to donate to this amazing woman who saves animals in Kuwait and helps find them homes. 

Please donate as soon as you can!! There’s a puppy that has pavo and was thrown away by the friday market and needs treatment and it costs 30kd a day to treat her. 

Also visit their page on instagram to help find these cute pets a safe home:

https://www.instagram.com/raf.kw/

#blog #writing #journey #pets #donate #help #raf #kuwait #animals #fridaymarket

2nd week of the yoga challenge down

I’ve really improved since I started! I’ve gotten more flexible and stronger. I’m slowly but surely reaching my goal, and I’ve never been happier with a workout before. I love yoga! And I love this yoga center. 
It’s been really hard getting back into shape and really reviving my almost non-existent muscles but I always feel so good afterwards.

#blog #writing #journey #happiness #yoga #challenge #hellsyeah #namaste

Thought: one week off of anxiety pills

One week off of anxiety pills, and I feel great! 

I went through various emotions ranging between depression (mixed with suicidal thoughts and tears) to full blown rage. Thank God that’s over!

I feel like yoga has replaced this form of treatment for my anxiety and I’m really glad I started the 30 day yoga challenge. This has been a really good time for me to make this change and connect with my mind and body again. 

#blog #writing #journey #happiness #anxiety #pills #depression #rage #grateful #oneweek

“Wisdom” tooth

After three days of insane pain coming from what I thought was my wisdom tooth I finally got it removed today after yoga. Apparently it’s not a wisdom tooth but the molar before the wisdom tooth even comes out. 
These teeth have been coming out since I was 15 and they’re not even wisdom teeth! That doesn’t stop them from acting like they are. 

I love my dentist, he is the God of pain management. I didn’t feel a thing!

#blog #writing #journey #happiness #teeth #dentist #pain #love

Thought: promises

When someone breaks a promise it’s always disappointing, what makes it worse though is when a parent breaks one. Especially when you’ve been clinging onto that promise for years, making it your drive and the reason you’ve worked so hard to obviously achieve it.

What makes it worse is when it isn’t the first or even fifth time it’s happened. 

When someone can’t even own up or keep their word, you know that person can’t be trusted. Unfortunately, this is something I never seem to learn since I constantly give this person endless chances and opportunities. It’s a shame they’re wasted and used to constantly disappoint and hurt me. 

For years, I’ve made excuses because I know everything that’s done is out of love and care for my well being, but I can’t excuse it this time. This promise had to do with my future, my life and my career. It’s not something I can easily forgive someone for ripping all of that away from me, proving that my life is in fact not mine at all. 

So why live it? 

Now I have to yet again adjust to the new set of conditions, rules and restrictions. I’m too old for this shit. I’m being smothered (what feels like to death) and honestly, he’s going to lose me. 

#blog #writing #journey #promises #broken #career #life #betrayal #excuses #depression

Thought: women’s march 

This #womensmartch is beautiful. We have to be kinder to one another and support each other. There must be equality, no hatred of men or women. This is something #Ellen always preaches. Women need to support and stand with one another, instead of the usual constant backstabbing. Honestly, women hold each other down more than men do. Most men just follow our lead, then there are the ones who are just plain evil. Ask yourself, what kind of person are you going to be?

#blog #writing #journey #happiness #friendship #hope #womensmartch #bekindtooneanother #Ellen